For those who fly...

[ElaineGardiner]

It takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one: a reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in their jobs.

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet" which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft

P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield
S: Live bugs on back-order

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear
S: Evidence removed

P: DME volume set unbelievably loud
S: DME volume set to more believable level

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick
S: That's what they're there for

P: IFF inoperative
S: IFF is always inoperative in OFF mode

P: Suspected crack in windshield
S: Suspect you're right

P: Number 3 engine missing
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search

P: Aircraft handles funny
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious

P: Target radar hums
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics

P: Mouse in cockpit
S: Cat installed

And, the best for last

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

Never be afraid to try something new.
Remember, amateurs built the ark, professionals built the titanic

[rak]

I fly Qantas.. Australia's airline.

It's had its problems in the past.. like the A380 engine exploding catching on fire - but that was a Rolls Royce fault.
OR the plane doing into rapid decent to 10K feet, from 36K Feet after losing cabin pressure.
OR turbluence throwing people around the plane after plummeting 100ft.

But still - I fly Qantas - they do rock. Singapore Airlines is also pretty good.

I loved
"P: Number 3 engine missing
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search"

[AWH-Gemma]

I have to catch a plane in around 5 hours, thanks guys

[jarvi]

Still probably a safe airline, however, their contempt for Qantas Club members, frequent flyers and customers in general leaves a lot to be desired. Much better airlines around.

That said, still bloody funny. Always good when the supposedly un-educated have a go at the educated.

[wagerjunction]

Read it before but still found it very funny. Thanks for the refresher Elaine.

My favorites are these 2:

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear
S: Evidence removed

P: Aircraft handles funny
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious

[ElaineGardiner]

I think this is my favourite

P: DME volume set unbelievably loud
S: DME volume set to more believable level

I'm just waiting for the right moment when someone tells me to turn down the tv because it's unbelievably loud...and i can ask them "Is this more believable?"

[Renee]

I was a bit weary opening this thread because I hate flying and I didn't want to read a bad incident or something...

I always fly Qantas too when I can help it. Personally I think the level of service on board the plane is much better than the others I have flown.. BA seem to be downgrading on every flight I'm on. They didn't even give us eye masks on the way to and from Dublin. So the woman on the way back wouldn't close her window and I had the sun in my eyes the whole time which makes it impossible to sleep. Mole.