Funny Sayings

[TrishOZ]

My mum said the funniest thing to me the other day and it made me wonder, what's the funniest saying you've ever heard?

This is what she said:

"Well obviously this is as useless as an ashtray on a motorbike"

LOL

Another of my favourites is "Same dog, different leg" which means things are exactly as per usual, same thing, different day.

[Chalkie]

About as much use as Tits on a fish

[Renee]

The Australian version of that one Chalkie, is as useful as tits on a bull...

I have a few that I use, and I can't remember where I ever heard them... but I seem to be the only one that uses them:

When someone is cheap: tight as a fish's asshole.
Another one for when someone is cheap: tight ass.

If someone is ugly: they have a head like a busted fart, a half eaten mango, a smashed crab etc.

Ugly as a hat full of assholes. Now that is my favourite.

Man I have so many.. actually I think I started a thread like this a year or two ago... Will have to find it and get some of the good ones from there... They were classics..

You can guarantee coming to Oz that every second line you hear doesn't make any sense.

[pompeyrayuk]

Opinions are like arseholes - everyones got one.

DILLIGAF - Do I Look Like I Give A ****

If someone says to you "Is that true" or "4 real?" reply "Do dogs *** up brick walls" or "Does the Pope wear a funny hat"

And a deep one that my dear old nan god rest her soul used to say "If ifs n buts were pots n pans the world would be a kitchen"

[Renee]

OK I got a few more this morning while listening to the radio:

If you "**** it up the wall" or "**** your money up the wall" it means you are basically spending all your money on alcohol (or other not necessary things similar).

"Couldn't organise a root in a brothel" or "couldn't organise a **** up in a brewery" basically means you are incompetent.

Root = aussie word for the act of sex.
**** up = aussie term for a drinking session.

"Flat out like a lizard drinking" = something is going very fast.
Flat out can mean fast or busy, depending on the context.

I'm sure I'll think of more over the weekend...

Actually there are some Hungarian sayings that my dad says occasionally when he is trying to be funny and translated into English they don't quite make sense...

I can't spell them in Hungarian, and maybe a fellow Magyar can help me out, but here goes:

Severn surt gotzya modzog - Stabbed through the heart the elastic of your pants (yes does NOT make any sense, not even close).

Falro maso samodli - The stool that climbed the wall. (WTF)

The last one I wont write because it is apparently worse than any other insult you can think of in the English language. And it's really not that bad IMO. Go figure.

[casinoguy]

hahahahahahah

[AmCan]

Couldn't get laid in a whorehouse with stack of $100s - another variant of the "couldn't" line of jokes.

One summer as a teen, my buddy and i worked at a summer camp as janitors. Our boss was walking us thru the restrooms checking our work says:

"This Toilet is filthy! I wouldn't wash my dick in it!"

well that was one that never occurred to us.

In general my alltime favorite, very old, but often useful:
"Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the wayout!"

[jarvi]

Being in a mood because of the stupid responses I am getting to work related questions this one is relevant for me -

Wipe your mouth, there's still a tiny bit of bullsh!t around your lips.

And continuing the assholes theme -

That place was a proctologist's dream, wall to wall assholes.

[Anthony-Coral]

I am SO unlucky.....

If I fell into a barrel of boobsI'd come out sucking my thumb!

[ironman2000]

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence you tried.

When all else fails, read the directions.

Welcome to Hell... Here's your accordion.

He who laughs last probably doesn't understand the joke.

Never hit a guy with glasses. Always use your fists.

The only time I open my mouth is to change feet.

Happiness can't buy money.

True friends always stab you in the front.

I'll have to think twice about it before I give it a second thought.

There is more to life than increasing its speed.

Never advise anyone to go to war or to marry.

The meek shall inherit the Earth after we're done with it.

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids and a mortgage.

Teamwork is essential, it gives them someone else to shoot at.

Conscience: What hurts when everything else feels so good.

Help stamp out, eliminate and abolish redundancy!

You're schizophrenic? Gee, that makes four of us.

Why is the word 'Abbreviation' so long?

If your attack is going really well, it's an ambush.

Skydiving - Good to the last drop.

If a tree fell on the florist, would he make any sound?

A penny saved is a congressional oversight.

Error. Keyboard not found. Press any key to continue...

A day without sunshine is like... night.

Floggings will continue until morale improves.

All's well that ends.

It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one.

An elephant is a mouse built to government specifications.

What if there were no hypothetical situations?

Dyslexics of the world untie!

A cat will blink when struck with a hammer.

Honesty is the best policy. But insanity is a better defense.

Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

As I said before, I never repeat myself.

Forgive your enemies, but remember their names.

and what my dear Mother used to say "You fall off that wall and break your legs..............don't come running to me"

Keith

[Renee]

If a tree fell on the florist, would he make any sound?

I'm wondering if you meant "If a tree falls in a forest and nobody was there to hear it, would it still make a sound?"

I hope the tree didn't fall on the florist... LOL

[sophie marks]

"If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic."

[Renee]

Going off like a frog in a sock

LOL

[CK - Schalk]

My fave for today (courtesy of the Hodgeyboy himself).

It's a small world (but I wouldn't want to paint it)